Shame is a very powerful and mysterious emotion that is at best easily misunderstood and at worst a highly debilitating and soul crushing force that can keep us very stuck. In my own healing journey, I have deeply explored this topic because it has had a tremendous impact in my life and I believe that many of the core issues that people struggle with have to do with unresolved shame.
Before we dive in any further, it is important to feel resourced and supported whenever talking about shame because it can be highly activating (ie trigger more shame). So right now, I invite you to call into your heart a person, place or thing (either real or imagined) that brings you a sense of safety and comfort. Pause and lean into that resource whenever you need to and if reading about this topic brings up some uncomfortable feelings or memories for you, please be sure to call someone you know and trust or feel free to reach out if you’d like some compassionate healing support.
Shame is considered a primary emotion and that simply means that it is felt fairly regularly and it also runs deep. Other primary emotions would be anger, joy, sadness, fear, interest and contempt. There is also a distinction between healthy shame and unhealthy (or toxic) shame and this article will focus primarily on toxic shame, which is often at the root of feeling unworthy, “less than”, “bad”, flawed or defective at the core. In its most extreme cases and left unaddressed it can lead to addictions, self-harming behaviors, eating disorders, depression, a deeply fractured sense of self / low self esteem, and even suicide. There is also a very important connection between trauma and shame because of the complex mix of feelings that can arise when we’ve experienced trauma. It certainly doesn’t help that we live in a society that tends to shame and blame the victim.
Shame is universal and we all experience it so there is no shame in feeling shame. I say this because prior to the work of Brene Brown and John Bradshaw, shame was rarely talked about and it is still considered relatively taboo. The shame around shame is actually what perpetuates it in our culture and society and keeps it bound within the shadow. By far, it is still the most underground, unexplored and neglected emotion in psychotherapy and spiritual practice.
By its very nature, shame tends to hide and causes us to withdraw, avoid or deny it. It is rather tricky in this way and it also has the ability to shape-shift very quickly when it arises so that if someone shames us, rather than feeling shame one might immediately shift to anger instead and attack the one we perceive as the enemy or source of our pain. This can happen literally in the blink of an eye and it is only through awareness and education around how shame operates that allows us to catch these very swift tactics. The sensations and reactions we have to shame are extremely uncomfortable so it is no wonder that we try to get away from it. This is why healing involves building up a “shame tolerance” in which we are able to sit with these highly uncomfortable feelings and sensations without trying to run away from them. Here are some examples of physical, thought and reaction markers that are indications that shame may be present:
Physical Markers
-A feeling of being uncomfortable in your body
-Feeling shy and pulling away
-Flushed face
-Tight throat
-Shrinking/slumping/contracting
-Looking down or away
-Having a hard time breathing
- A sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach
-Difficulty making eye contact
Reaction Markers:
-Putting yourself down
-Attacking or blaming others
-Suddenly forgetting what you are going to say
-Going blank or freezing; unable to speak (a “deer in headlights” reaction)
-Over-verbalizing, talking non-stop as a way of deflecting
-Denying, avoiding or disassociating
-Using an activity to numb out (working, eating, drinking, drugs, shopping, exercise, social media etc.)
-Withdrawing and pulling away or pulling in (which can lead to depression)
Thought Markers:
-“There’s something wrong with me”… and being afraid others will “find out”
-“I’m not good enough”
-”I’m bad/wrong/defective
-“I’m a failure”
-“I can’t do it right”
-“What’s wrong with them?”
So as you can see from the indicators above, our primary reactions to shame are usually to avoid, withdraw, attack self or attack others. None of these are effective for actually dealing with what’s coming up so this is why it’s crucial to understand the inner workings of this emotion. Personally, I feel that is very difficult to heal shame on one’s own and I don’t think anyone should have to try to work with something so painful alone. Gershen Kaufman defines shame as “the breaking of the interpersonal bridge” so essentially it occurs when there is a misattunement or rupture in a relationship. These types of wounds need to be healed in relationship and by having corrective experiences. There is also profound shame when we feel a break inside of ourselves and this too takes a lot of time, patience and care to repair.
When working with shame, we need to also be able to acknowledge our strengths and courage to do this deep inner work. Talking about the things we feel shame about can actually help lift ourselves out of the pits of shame since “shame dies when stories are told in safe places” (Ann Voskamp). For me, shame was deeply tied to some very painful childhood experiences that involved feeling as though I didn’t belong or didn’t matter. I felt invisible and whenever I expressed any sort of emotion, it was usually shamed or dismissed. Healing this has involved doing some deep inner child work and also learning to tame the voice of the inner critic. Trauma work, shadow work and spiritual work that connects us to our true essence are all necessary to find the healing that neutralizes deeply internalized toxic shame.
For some, the corrosive force of shame can be so strong that it can feel crippling and yet it remains very subconscious/unconscious within the psyche. The thing is, we will never be able to get rid of shame entirely, but I do know that it is possible to understand it and work with it in a way that reclaims our sense of self, our dignity and humanity. According to David Hawkins’ map of consciousness, shame is the lowest vibration on the emotional spectrum and when we think about the words that we associate with being ashamed such as ‘mortified’ we can see how this emotion is even tied to death (the Latin root word ‘mort’ = death). Elder Malidoma Some wrote the following in his book “The Healing Wisdom of Africa”:
“Shame is seen in the Dagara culture as a collapsing emotional force that paralyzes the self, and therefore, like grief, shame should be experienced only in a sacred, ceremonial context. In the context of ritual and sacred space, the repentant ‘sinner’ is said to be more capable of deep humility than in an ordinary context. When suffered in daily life, shame compresses the psyche dangerously. The result is that one experiences crippling rejection and ostracism as one’s self-esteem is almost exterminated. In Dagara context, this is comparable to death. Shame, like grief, is a powerful emotion. But unlike grief, which emanates from loss, shame arises from a sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, and disgrace. Shaming is counterproductive. A person in power and responsibility who uses it exposes himself and the other to danger. Distrust, suspicion and discord are the offspring of shame and attacks against self-esteem. Therefore shaming someone as a way of making that person accountable without the sacred endangers the whole community. The heaviness of the shamed person will in the long run and in subtle ways affect everyone and everything.”
Often when we have not dealt with our own shame, we can easily and dangerously project that shame onto other people. It’s possible to do this with just about any emotion, but I find shame to be the most harmful with the potential to leave both people feeling hurt, deflated and angry if it is passed back and forth. I believe that compassion and awareness are the antidotes to shame and the more we talk about it and bring it into the light, the less chance it has to express itself through the shadows. Children are especially vulnerable so if you have any children within your sphere of influence, the healing and awareness that you bring through your own inner work can have a huge positive impact on them. I highly encourage this because the effect of shame at an early age can deeply scar and stay with someone through life.
Breaking through shame has been a major aspect of my own healing journey and one that I am extremely passionate about in supporting others. If you are experiencing any pain related to unhealed shame, please remember that you are not alone and that help is available. Like grief, when one is experiencing shame, being held with loving care and support is crucial. You already have everything you need within you to heal; what often happens is that access to this inner love has been blocked by shame residing in the shadow. Ironically, this shadow is actually the key to unlocking your light, but it needs to be worked with in the right way. In order to do shadow work effectively, it may be necessary to address and break through some denser layers of toxic shame first so that self work is not approached from the lens that something is wrong with us and that we need to be "fixed."
If you would like support, please reach out at sacredsoulmedicineaz@gmail.com.